Grace and Good Coffee

Finding grace and good coffee to survive every day.

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grace

the remedy

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As I was talking with a good friend the other day about the state of the world, we commiserated in our shared struggles with anxiety — something which has heightened significantly for me in the past few months. There are so many things happening in our world right now that it’s hard not to be affected by it all. Blow after blow, the bad news explodes all over the TV, radio, and social media. It’s impossible to escape it. These dismal tidings can suck the pure joy out of simply being alive and healthy.

Aside from the coronavirus pandemic, murder hornets, Democrats vs. Republicans, and rising racial tensions due to inequalities, there’s another huge problem in our country that is rarely talked about nowadays — sex trafficking. During our talk, my friend shared her knowledge on this subject, speaking about how certain children are more at risk than others, how some politicians are working to fight the problem, and how she wishes she didn’t know as much as she does about exactly what is happening to our children.

She wished for blissful ignorance. And the second she uttered those words, my heart heaved a huge AMEN — wouldn’t that be wonderful?!

It’s so easy to wish we didn’t know difficult things, because living with the truth can sometimes be unsettling, heartbreaking, sickening, and maddening. And with knowledge often comes a responsibility and/or desire to act. When we are unable to do anything, or don’t know how to help change things, anxiety can quickly take over.

Nowadays, I often wonder what life might have looked like if Eve had never eaten the apple from the forbidden tree in the garden. Since then, we have been cursed with the knowledge of good and evil; we’ve been cursed with SIN.

But understanding that sin is the root of all evil in the world is powerful knowledge. Once you know what your enemy is, you can figure out how to fight it. In the case with sin, only good can wipe out evil. Only God can defeat sin.

During the past few months, I have never felt such a strong urge to be closer to God. My soul craves His presence. My heart cries out for healing — from my own grief and anxiety, for our nation, for our children at risk, for healthcare workers, for anyone else who is hurting or in need, etc. My prayers are a constant stream to Heaven.

While the world tears itself apart, I have somewhat distanced myself from it as much as I could. I have withdrawn to my prayer life and often solitude, seeking God in a myriad of different ways… even replacing my usual TV shows with a wonderful new series about Jesus called The Chosen by Dallas Jenkins, which I highly recommend to everyone everywhere.

Until we, as a society, replace the garbage that is constantly in our ears, eyes, and minds with Jesus and The Gospel, things will never change and we will never heal. This happens ONE person at a time. It happens in the wee small hours of the morning when we’re in a state of prayer. It happens while worshiping. It happens while sitting down to some quiet time to read His word and journal our thoughts. It can also happen around the dinner table with our families and friends.

So rather than continuing to feel anxious, or judged, or helpless, or hopeless, I’m going to focus my thoughts on Him. Rather than listening to the masses, I’m going to lean into Him and let Him speak to me about what I need to say or do. Rather than trying to come up with my own words to speak eloquently to others about these trying times, I’m going to use His perfect words. Whenever possible, I will point the world to Him.

We all need more of His grace and goodness. This applies to EVERYONE.

In John 3:30, the Bible says “He must become greater and greater, and I must become less and less.”

Reading these words makes me think of a great contemporary Christian song by Colton Dixon. I’ll share those lyrics below, as well as the video.

I hope this message blesses you, providing His comfort and peace.

I made my castle tall
I built up every wall
This is my kingdom and it needs to fall
I want You and no one else
Empty me of myself
Until the only thing that’s left is

More of You
Less of me
Make me who I’m meant to be
You’re all I want all I need
You’re everything
Take it all I surrender
Be my king
God I choose
More of You
Less of me
More of You

This life I hold so close
Oh, God I let it go
I refuse to gain the world and lose my soul
So take it all I abandon everything I am You can have it
The only thing I need is

More of You
Less of me
Make me who I’m meant to be
You’re all I want all I need
You’re everything
Take it all I surrender
Be my king
God I choose
More of You
Less of me
More of You

All to You I surrender
All to You my blessed Savior
I surrender all

Grace and Blessings,
Emily

a helping hand

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Even though my daughter is nearly 3 years old now, I still have very vivid memories of those long days and nights with a newborn. As a brand new mama, I was completely overwhelmed. It doesn’t matter if you’re 20 or 40; no one has all the answers in the beginning.

Those first late nights with a crying, hungry baby are nerve-racking. Trying to figure out breastfeeding is not for the faint of heart. Even bottle-feeding is scary when you realize that newborns are just learning how to eat – how to swallow without choking.

The prayers are countless.

Having your mother or a good friend to talk to during the day is wonderful, but the nights are different. As a new mother, the nights are often dark and lonely. Your hormones are all over the map, and you are absolutely terrified of doing something wrong and causing harm or discomfort to that precious baby. Without someone there with you, especially in those wee hours, it can feel like the entire world is crashing down around you.

If there is one piece of advice I can pass on to new parents who have just been blessed with an angel from Heaven, it is this; get up TOGETHER.

Yes, I know many people advise couples to take turns getting up so they can each get more rest, but here’s a newsflash; most new moms don’t really rest, even when the baby is sleeping. Nature is working overtime on her, fueling her mind and body to stay awake at all hours, fully focused on that baby’s needs and survival.

What a new mama needs most of all, is a helping hand.

I remember the blessing of having my husband wake up with me every time, night after night, without any prompting. His company in those dark hours was such a welcomed blessing. He would change the dirty diaper while I got myself ready to attempt to breastfeed a child who had zero interest in all of that work. Sigh. Then he would lie awake in bed, waiting for me to finish the feeding routine and put our daughter back in her bassinet next to our bed. He would stay up with me, just to be available in case I needed something.

The bonding that took place between us during those wee hours is absolutely priceless.

It’s hard to put into words just how much that small gesture meant to me, as a nervous new mama. And now, on the hardest days of toddlerhood and potty-training, during the occasional times when I want to choke my husband… I think back on those first nights as new parents when he stayed up with me, and I remember just how blessed we are.

I hope this message blesses you as it has blessed me. ❤️

Emily

i’m not crying; you’re crying.

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I lost it.

Saturday evening, after spending some much-needed time with good friends that I see far less often than I’d like, I returned home just in time to tuck my little one into bed. She had missed mommy and it showed — Eskimo kisses galore, sweet slobbery pecks on the cheeks, and “Mommy, I miss you! I luh you!” a few times in between. It was the sweetest, most wonderful end to my evening.

Sigh.

Long after Grace was in the bed that night and headed off to sleep, all of these thoughts suddenly came bubbling up to the surface and I lost it.

The mom-guilt had set in at 1000%, and I felt so overwhelmed by it all.

So I stood in my kitchen alone, and balled my eyes out. Because logic plays no part in mom-guilt. These feelings are as deep-rooted as the innate desire for children that most women start to feel somewhere in their 20s or 30s.

My husband eventually heard me sobbing and came to check on me. I tried to explain my feelings to him in between the shudders and gasps for air; it was such a raw moment for me and I knew he would never fully understand what I was feeling, but I attempted to describe it.

Just to put things into perspective: I’m one of those people who generally “powers through” and gets things done. I try not to focus on things that hurt; I just keep going. So these feelings have to wait most of the time; I am literally too busy to let it soak in and deal with it whenever it hits.

But on Saturday night, nearly two years of built-up emotion came tumbling down my cheeks. Two years of working full-time while I pay for child care because we can’t afford not to do things that way. Two years of saying goodbye to her every morning, and hating myself for it. Two years of mom-guilt.

And my husband, somehow knowing exactly what to say, walked up to me and held me while I cried, telling me over and over that I’m a good mother, and I’m doing a great job. In that moment, standing in our kitchen in pajamas, he embodied the love of Christ and his comfort was a tremendous blessing to me.

Yes, I still feel the mom-guilt. But I also feel incredibly blessed to know and love my child, despite whether she’s in my arms being snuggled or in preschool for the day. We are all still SO very blessed.

Later that night as we lay awake talking, I told David that I wanted every single child on this earth to have caregivers who love them as much as we love and adore Grace. I would lay down my life for her, and I know he would do the same.

And then I prayed as I have many times before, that God would protect all children everywhere — that they would all be blessed with a home where they feel loved and safe, in His name.

Prayer warriors, please join me in this prayer. Every child deserves to be loved and kept safe, and I believe in a God who moves mountains, so He can certainly move people who are able to help.

Blessings,
Emily

green beans and black olives

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My husband and I both agree that our daughter Grace is the best thing that’s ever happened to us. She’s our rainbow baby.

A lot of folks know what that means, but for those who don’t, it means she’s the blessing that followed a miscarriage. The rainbow that followed the rain. 🌈❤️

As our Gracie gets closer to her second birthday, she is quickly becoming a legit toddler. She’s inquisitive, empathetic, opinionated, and her preferences seem to change from one day to the next! 

There are days when she’ll eat 2 whole bananas, and others where she can’t stand the sight of one. Some days she’ll eat anything we put in front of her, and other days where it seems she refuses everything. Sigh. 

Recently, on one of her more “unusual” days , after attempting to feed her everything in the cabinet and fridge, she decided that green beans and black olives were the best things on the planet. She began devouring them the same way you’d eat an ice cream cone on a hot summer day; as quickly as possible! 

In that moment, after worrying we had somehow failed her as parents, fearing she would surely go to bed hungry and grumpy and never recover… while watching her eat with a purpose, my poor mama-heart let out a huge sigh of relief, shed a few tears, and then I began laughing hysterically. 

I realized right then that we hadn’t failed her, and we couldn’t fail her; God prepared our hearts for her, long before she was born. He gave us everything we needed to take wonderful care of her, and love her with every ounce of our souls. 

So as we step into full-blown toddler-hood, I am renewed in the faith that my Father provides for me, and therefore will provide for her – both through us and in spite of us, as time goes on. 

Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life? ~Matthew 6: 25-27 

Mama friends, don’t let your hearts be troubled; He has given you everything you need to care for your little ones, and so much more. Rejoice and rest in His loving arms!

Blessings,
Emily

answered prayers

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This man right here. He takes such good care of his girls. He reminds me so much of my Daddy, and how much he loved us.

David is an answered prayer.

My Grace is snuggled safely in bed, David is showering, and I’m counting so many blessings.

Lately, I find myself falling in love with my husband all over again. The way he takes care of us, works hard to provide for us, and shows his love – I really do have a true partner in life.

Sometimes I look back on all the years of broken-heartedness, waiting for the right man to come along, and I pray over my daughter; I pray for the husband God has set aside for her, and that she will not have to wait as long as I did for him to be made ready.

Prayer is a big part of my life. I prayed for David and for Grace for many years, and God was listening. It wasn’t always easy to trust what I could not see and did not understand, but these things came to pass anyway. He has answered my prayers. And although I have many more that are still awaiting an answer, I see my blessings and I am so thankful.

I believe in the power of prayer, and I hope you do too. Whatever your need is tonight, take it to Him and lay it at His feet. Let it go; don’t pick it up again. There is great power in your prayers, and in your faith.

Blessings,

Emily

Grace, the beginning.

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Many moons before my daughter Grace, I was an avid runner and health nut. My obsession with fitness began in 2012, the year my daddy passed away. At that time, I needed something to occupy my mind, and keep me from thinking about all the things I wish I had said before he left this world. So I focused on eating better, drinking protein shakes, and (heaven help), bootcamp workouts, of all things. I tracked my food using the MyFitnessPal app, weighed myself once a week, and literally worked my grits off. As it turns out, losing weight ain’t so easy when you have hypothyroidism AND you’re over 30. But I was desperate and determined.

For two solid years, all I thought about every day was how to be more fit. I was completely consumed. And by 2014, I had started down a dangerous path. I had replaced bootcamp with interval running, because I discovered that I could lose more weight at a faster rate that way. Of course, running on its own is certainly not a bad thing; however, when paired with consuming 1000 calories a day at most, it can become a problem – especially since I am 5’9″, and genetically, I was never meant to be the stick figure I was trying so hard to be. My obsession with being “healthier” had turned into an obsession with being “small” instead, even if it meant I had to starve myself and run on fumes.

The smaller I got, the more confident I felt. That confidence took me places I never thought I’d go, like Texas, for example. In late 2014, I met my now husband at a health-related conference in Texas. (Ironically, I had just gotten my heart broken by someone I never should have trusted, and was in no shape to meet anyone decent.) But this man, let me tell you… he chased me down. It didn’t matter that I lived halfway across the country, he was determined to prove himself and win me over. After many, MANY hours of video calls, texts, and uprooting his entire world to be with me, he showed me that true love DOES actually exist, and that I am worthy of such love. (Let this right here be a lesson to all the ladies out there who are still hoping and praying – He is listening to you, girlfriend!)

By 2015, David and I were married in wedded bliss. I was finally happy in love, and I had stopped caring so much about being “small”. Unfortunately though, I married a man who can eat ANYTHING he darn well pleases, and still maintain 6-pack abs. The nerve! So y’all can only imagine what happened, right? He’s cooking up all this Texan goodness, and I’m eating it up like I haven’t eaten in two years… because I hadn’t. For two years I survived on chicken/blueberry/spinach salads, protein shakes, and eggs. So when boo-boo took over the kitchen and started cooking like Bobby Flay, every other day was taco night, and before long I had packed on more than a few “love pounds”.

Fast forward to 2016 – a year of lemons. I miscarried our first child, injured my back and had to have surgery, fought a couple of brutal infections which totally wrecked my gut-health, and just landed flat on my A-double-S. Some days I could barely move, let alone focus on being healthier. But one good thing did come out of that year – one beautiful, perfect, and timely blessing. I became pregnant with our second baby, a little girl whose name had already been spoken to me, even before she existed in my womb. Our daughter Grace.

Suddenly, every struggle of that awful year was washed away. I had a reason for getting up every day and smiling all day long. I absolutely loved the feeling that I was carrying the whole world in my belly… until of course about the 8th month. By that time, I felt like a beached whale and couldn’t sleep worth a dern. It was in the middle of the blazing HOT Carolina summer, and I got winded just getting up to get a glass of water. Sigh.

By the time I was full-term in July, my feet were so swollen that it hurt to stand, let alone walk. (Which doesn’t bode too well for a full-time working mama.) But, somehow I survived. And then, one sweltering July day in 2017, after a LOT of prayers, sweat, moments of doubt, and many tears, I became a mother to the most beautiful little girl I had ever seen. She was perfect and amazing; I could NOT believe how incredibly blessed I was to be her mama.

After the “glow” had worn off, I realized that getting back to a healthy version of myself was going to be an extremely long road. With everything I had been through over the last two years, my body didn’t even remotely resemble the person I was a few years ago. And as the days and nights flew by, maternity leave ended, and before I knew it I was back at work wondering where the heck I was, who I was, and what was this nightmare I seemed to be stuck in. All I wanted to do was to be at home taking care of my baby, and instead I was in an office trying to act like I knew how to do things I hadn’t done in 3 months.

I blinked, and now 18 months have passed since my Grace was born. EIGHTEEN MONTHS. And guess what? I’m still here, stuck in this post-trauma-plus-baby body that I still don’t recognize. I drag myself through every day with the same routine, eating whatever is quick and easy, because my days are full of work, stress, and a baby who is quickly becoming a full-fledged toddler.

Well, I’ve decided that it’s time for a change. I have more than enough reasons in my life to want to be healthy; most of all, I want to be here for my little girl. Not just to “watch” her grow up, but to be a part of it. I want to be able to run around and chase her, and not get tired after just a few minutes of playtime. I want to not be embarrassed when picturing myself in a bathing suit; I live in a coastal town, for goodness’ sake! I need to be able to go to the beach and enjoy my time with loved ones without feeling so self-conscious and ridiculous. Do I need to be perfect? No! But I DO need to be able to enjoy this life I have been blessed with, and not cut it short by making poor choices.

So here I am, baring my soul to the interwebs. I’m making my public declaration right here and now to start down a healthier path, and to document as I go. I need the accountability of others who are (hopefully) reading along and taking this journey with me. I’ll be sharing my victories, my struggles, healthy recipes and good tidbits, and anything else I can find to help me do this.

I want to be a healthy mama for Grace.

Thank you for taking the time to read my story. I hope you’ll stick around for more.
Blessings,
Emily